The Fight of My Life

The Fight of My Life

Written - 12/9/2018

The trauma that dropped me to my knees and changed life as I knew it completely.

I don't know I'll go through every detail of every part of the trauma just because I don't know it's necessary. If there is something that you want me to expand on or explain further please just leave me a comment and I will either create a new post or add in that section for you.

To fully understand what happened, I guess it would make more sense for me to start from when I met my husband that way you see the whole picture.

So here goes...

I found myself in one of the hardest times of my life in September, October, and November of 2013. I called Cass homeless shelter my home. That is where I met Josh, my husband. We possessed nothing but ourselves.

From the moment I encountered him, I felt safe but completely different. He never handled me like a piece of meat or the conquest he was trying to conquer. He consistently attended to me like a human being amongst all the wolves that I was surrounded by. We met on my birthday, October 1st, 2013 and from that moment on we were inseparable. We slept on opposite sides at the shelter because men and women were separate but during that time we were talking except for the few hours that we were actually asleep.

Soon after leaving Cass we got married and about six months after that we got pregnant with our daughter. I didn't have much of a relationship with my parents or much of my family except for my sister, and he was mending the bridges with his. He is a recovering heroin addict, so the path had been severely damaged along the way, on Both Sides. I had no idea that some of the stories I heard were true, though, I merely thought he was a wounded man.

Rapidly his mom took over and became everything I thought I needed. A shoulder to cry on, a hug whenever it was needed and gentle words of encouragement. I relied on her like my own mom, even more so. I leaned on her like I always wished I could lean on my mom. 

Now don't get this wrong, there is nothing wrong with my mom or her love for me. I just need more than most people are capable of giving. I have many problems and am not the easiest to get along with sometimes. We have a rocky past because of both of us, no one is to blame.

Anyhow, the mil (mother-in-law) did everything including helping watch my angel for her first 6 months, while I was in and out of surgeries. My amazing hubby took care of a newborn, his wife and the house for her first year on earth! 

Now if you ask them (in-laws) they'll list everything they ever bought or gave us money for. None of that mattered, what mattered was how loved they compelled in me, most of the time.

Slowly things changed, the mil had medical issues which sparked her addiction and through it all she became someone I didn't know anymore. 

Josh started working in demolition and was told he couldn't advance any more without cutting his addiction maintenance medication. So that's what he did to better his ability to take care of us. He was giving his mom and grandma money at that time too.

Now we will fast forward to Feb of 2016 when I first had proof of Josh's relapse. 

Eventually, he was left at a gas station because of his behavior in the car and spent the next month and a half out of our home. April - mid-May 2016.

He came back and struggled with numerous medications which led to another relapse and two domestic violence incidents. 

I reached out to his family about it and pleaded for help for months. I didn't have experience with addiction and had never knowingly dated an addict, so I had no idea what I was doing and I voiced that. 

The solitary thing I heard was "Nicki, what do you want me to do?"

I honestly had no idea; all I knew was I had a one-year-old on my hip and an aggressive relapsing man in my home. 

During the second DV incident, I called the mil and told her I didn't have control of my house anymore, that I required her to come to collect my child. I could no longer assure her safety, so I sent her to the securest place I knew. From August 2nd on my kiddo was with her grandparents. 

When the mil picked her up, she asked if she could take her to Iowa for a week or two for a family vacation. Instantaneously I saw my kid-free opening to get my husband help or moved out of my home, so I agreed.

I spoke to both her and my sister about my plan for the following week or two but it didn't matter... My life was about to completely change irrevocably.

August 5/6th, 2016 comes and I can tell by my visit with the in-laws that something was off. Next, neither of them would respond to my texts as well as my sister avoiding me. Keep in mind, my texts were responded to in minutes before this particular Friday. My spidey-senses told me something was off, but I had no idea the people who said they loved me were about to betray me in the evilest of ways...

1-ish AM in the morning we got a knock on our door. CPS is wanting to see my child following an emergency neglect call to the hotline. Freaked out we explained our child was with and had been with her grandparents since Monday/Tuesday. They left. 

8-ish AM, we received another knock, this time with the cops and CPS telling us we could not see our kid until further notice. 

I read that call that was placed and there were a bunch of lies and assumptions with two pieces of fact. There was a relapse and two DV situations. Everything else was added in to make sure the mil got my kid. The caller went as far as saying my kid was consistently with the mil. When she knew my kid had not been because of the current and recent relapsing and detoxing the mil was doing. (I possess a copy of the call.)

Within the next couple of months, we got court papers and investigator remarks of what exactly they were saying about us. She said I refused mental health care even though I still have all the messages between us about my doc visits and med changes. She said I refused to feed my kid and beat her. She tried having her diagnosed autistic and mute, which every therapist told us she was not. She even accused us of sexually abusing her when nothing else worked. Plus the lies that kept CPS and the attorneys chasing their tales. Lies that made us look erratic except we haven't seen our kid in over a month because of the lies. The unkept visits and appointments, not giving us access to our child like the court ordered. Calling us crazy before appointments (Narc behavior meant to make you look unstable when you lash out). Not keeping reunification therapy appointments...

Instead of going through everything she did in detail I'll say; the courts removed my child from her care less than 6 months into the case because as court documents say, 'they are not for the reunification of the family'. 

You read that right, they were trying to get our rights severed through CPS so they could legally adopt our kid. Court docs don't lie! I'll post for those that ask to see! She worked for CPS in her past so she knew exactly what to say. She didn't anticipate me handing over my Facebook login, and that's what changed the game. You can't make up horrendous stories but possess not one piece of proof over 2.5 years. The picture our FB messages and posts painted was completely different than what she tried to paint.

The licensed child therapist on the case only had contact with the in-laws and was the only person to have anything bad to say. She risked her licensed to lie under oath for them, maybe because she genuinely believed the lies. I mean family doesn't tell deplorable things about each other, right? Or was it the fact that her brother was a bipolar addict that refused meds and died awaiting sentencing for drug trafficking? I'll guess the second since I'm bipolar, Josh is an addict and the inlaws live in $1.4ish million dollar home. I won't give her name here, but you might see it in the news eventually...

These are just the biggest things that happened during that case...

I mentioned we had the case extended by 90 days. We did that because every time they got good news about us, we'd be accused of something else. If CPS was actively in our lives, it would make it impossible for them to make up more stories. 

It didn't end there, though, the case was officially closed on June 13th, 2017. By June 24th CPS was back at our door because the mil had again gone to her therapist and cried about false sexual abuse but this time she said my hubby abused his little sister.

CPS recognized what was happening and communicated with us what was going to be done. They also let us know they have flagged my child's perm file, so the in-laws can Never get custody through them. 

The harassment didn't stop, so we ended 2017 by obtaining a protective order which represents the start of the road to healing...

Everything they did, they did while telling us they loved us and they are implementing what's best for our child. They smiled and discussed missing us and desiring us to be parents again. We would have a visit with them and feel safe then get an email or call stating some other form of abuse we had allegedly committed. Talk about a mind fuck. 

They were also talking to my sister much of this time so lied about talking to my parents to further isolate me. I completely cut everyone off because I couldn't risk them getting any info. Them having zero info is another way we made it out with our child. It was remarkably like narcissistic abuse and I've managed it as such. All of our therapists agreed it was abuse and manipulation but wouldn't give an exact kind, like narcissistic. We were told by every therapist including our child's, that there needs to be No Contact to heal. They were indeed pointing to narc abuse; no Contact is a standard term in narc abuse recovery.

I described it as being a chained up dog that was being attacked by other dogs. If I fought back, I would look crazy and unstable as they were saying. They never bit while others were watching, it was by stories the official docs told. She was a pretty blonde crying over her granddaughter and son, in person. It was the most challenging thing I've done, not to fight back. I had to let CPS gather their evidence and document what she was doing. I had to give strangers access to every part of my life to recover my child, my family. I don't know many people that would give their FB login info to anyone!

It changed everything about me and how I experienced life. It altered how I anticipated and perceived people. My perception of everything was tainted by what they did to us.

After a long time, I realized I had to transform my altered world, or my daughter was going to suffer.

I now wonder if I sketched the picture well enough or if every detail needs to be written, maybe a future project!

This scattered view is why I lived in hell, why my child was gone, why we don't have an entire side of our family, and why we are healing as a family.

Everyone can hide behind good intentions but what matters is in my time of need, you pushed me out of a flying plane, watched me hit the ground then flew around to pickup my abusers. 

I don't harbor hate or revenge, I'm just not willing to risk my family again.

​ 

This trauma led to the brief view of symptoms I gave in the last post. It's hard to show how completely different I was without the trauma itself though.

I hope this is clear enough to move forward, however if you have questions please ask!

I'm hoping to be able to move on to my journey to a healthy me now that you understand how damaged I was. This is only one trauma from my life, its truly been an uphill battle most of my life.